Enhancing Parent-Child Attachment

Before we even begin, take a moment to remind yourself you are striving to be the best parent to your child that God has placed in your care. As a parent, we don’t always get it right and find ourselves struggling at times. You can only improve your parenting when you notice there is a gap and you become active to filling it in healthy ways.

One of these areas that can be a struggle is the parent-child attachment. I am sure many of you are aware of the struggles of a child attaching or detaching from either you or others. There is a process of attachment theory and a healthy style that we should all strive for: secure. 

Dr. Bowlby, researcher, defined attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” and supported an internal working model that “Children learn to regulate their behavior by anticipating their caregivers’ responses to them.”

1.      Support/Watch. We can offer this to our children, regardless of age through the Circle of Security. When children feel safe and secure, their curiosity kicks in for them to learn about the world. They require a sense of support from their parent(s)/caretaker to support their exploration. Young children look to their caregiver to see if they are watching them and providing them that sense of protection while they are exploring. As the caregiver, you will create what is safe and what is dangerous, they are building an attachment and trust in you to guide them.  This is influenced in you by your experiences and cues for safety. While you may be less aware that your child is also watching you during their play for safety cues, they will be less likely to “play” if they feel unsafe due to your lack of watching them.

2.      Help. Sometimes children need help to understand and interact with the world around them. Watch for these cues to teach them new things or help them through stages of learning.

3.      Enjoy/Delight. Share moments of exploration and learning with your child for a deeper connection and understanding of how they connect to you and the world around them. Delight in your child for them being them, not always about what they do. When they look back at you during play, encourage them with a smile, love, and presence.

4.      Welcoming/Knowing/Protect/Comfort. When a child becomes tired, frightened, or uncomfortable, they need to know they can come back to your welcoming arms-no matter what. This is a new set of needs that requires a healthy response from you as the parent/caregiver, even if you don’t understand the initial change in behavior-create this secure and welcome place for them to run or return to for protection and comfort.

5.      Organize Feelings. Internal experiences are overwhelming and children NEED parents to help them label, communicate, and organize their emotions. You must watch for cues: hunger, tired, startled, sad, frustrated, etc. Label, communicate and help them organize EVERY time they become overwhelmed to help them learn how to self-regulate. Calm, caring voice and tone is necessary for this nourishment and nurturing.

I hope as adults, you were able to experience this type of healthy secure attachment when you wee a child and are also offering this to the littles in your life today. Take it to another level, do we not want these same things from our Heavenly Father? Oh, how we long for a healthy attachment to Him and these are avenues in which we can seek Him and He will show up to create a secure attachment.

May you begin practicing this as a caregiver to young people AND as a child of God, receive His doting on you to provide you security.

Proverbs 18:10 reminds us, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.” Run to Him like a child is wire to run to their parents/caregiver for a secure attachment. As a parent/caregiver, slow yourself to meet your child(ren) in this space of security.

Many Blessings, Cheryl